You might be wondering what makes me not so traditional. Sure, I am a stay at home mom, wife, Girl Scout leader, volunteer...all the typical stuff that makes one 'traditional.' But I have a secret, one that only a couple of people know. You see, I am in the closet. The broom closet to be precise. I have been interested in things non-Christian for as long as I can remember, much to the concern of my mother. Spirits and faeries, the use of herbs, believing that all people deserve to be treated with dignity and equality, belief that it's the Earth who provides, all of these things (and more) make me different from my family.
I was raised Christian. I attended church not necessarily regularly, but I did attend. And I never felt quite right about it. Something just never made sense about the whole thing. I could see the people around me, and they always seemed, I don't know, a bit crazy and out of control. I seldom saw self-responsibility for the things they experienced. It was always "God's plan" or "God's will," not "I made a mistake" or "I worked really hard." Yet they seemed blissfully happy. At least, they appeared that way at Church. It made me very self aware and I felt like maybe there was something wrong with me. I never heard God speak to me the way they did, or felt the Holy Spirit around me. As an adult I thought it was my fault I didn't feel these things, that I wasn't trying hard enough.
So, I threw myself into Christianity. I joined 2 bible studies, joined the choir, and volunteered with the youth group. I went to church twice on Wednesday night and twice on Sunday. I was at some sort of church function nearly every day of the week. And the harder I tried, the more I disliked what was being spoon-fed to me. I didn't like being told what to believe and what not to believe. I didn't agree that a church can make up it's own list of sins, most of which were nothing that should be considered damning.
I had two things happen to me at church that finally opened my eyes, and both of these things happened at the same time. The first thing that happened was our church, being Pentecostal, decided that everyone in the congregation would give up tv for Lent. Well, I didn't watch much tv anyway, and I was living at home so I couldn't dictate what my Dad did (more on that some other time), so instead I did something I felt was much much MUCH more sacrificial; I gave up caffeine. No Coke, no coffee, no black tea and NO CHOCOLATE. I'm a huge caffeine and chocolate addict, so this was a really hard thing for me to do. One night at one of the bible studies we were talking about the whole no tv for Lent thing, and I mentioned that instead of giving up tv I gave up caffeine instead. You would have thought that I admitted to being a lesbian abortion doctor who ate puppies for breakfast! I couldn't believe the way I was treated! Somehow my own personal sacrifice for Lent was worthless because it was not what the pastor had told us to do. I couldn't remember a time where I was made to feel more humiliated.
During this time I was dating a boy from that church. He was several years older than me (I was in my early 20's), and we both still lived with our parents. He got angry if I went out with my friends even if he didn't want to make plans with me. He tried to dictate what activities I could do, tried to limit my friends to church members...you get the idea. The combination of this relationship and my deepening depression over my spirituality led me to anti-depressants, and when he found out....well, I broke up with him. And he promptly did everything he could do within the church to humiliate me. After an especially horrible session of his belittling at bible study, I never went back. To any church. Ever.
This all happened nearly 15 years ago. I completely gave up on spirituality. Occasionally I would start reading on different religions, but that was as far as it would go, I was too afraid. At least until I started to discover that I had Pagan friends, and theyr lifestyle fascinated me! I love the fact that there isn't a book telling you what you can do and what you can't. I love the connection to nature. I love the freedom of expression. I love the simpleness and the happiness. I love finding the blessings in the mundane.
So, recently, I have started reading more and more into Wicca. I was surprised at how much I already knew and how much more at peace I am with myself. And right here in my mostly-anonymous blog, I would like to say that yes I, Mira, am Wiccan. And this is part of what makes me not so traditional.
