For some reason I have this weird writer's block. For hours, while I do things like run errands or clean the house, I can think of hundreds of things I want to write about. But as soon as I sit down at the computer I draw a complete blank. I think that it may have something to do with how hard sharing my feelings is. This is one of the reasons I can't even keep a journal going for more than a couple of days. I once had a journal publicly exposed by an ex-boyfriend, and ever since that day the mere thought of having written proof of my life can send me into a panic attack.
I think another reason for my writer's block comes from having to admit that I have feelings I don't like. Today I have been feeling very alone. Not lonely; alone. I don't really have a close girl friend anymore, someone who I feel like I can call at any time and for any reason. And now that I think about it, I haven't had a friend like that in decades. Sure, I have lots of girl friends, but there is no one person that I know I could talk about anything with without hesitation. Jim Morrison said "Friends can help each other. A true friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself - and especially to feel. Or, not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he really is." I hope that one day I can find a girl friend like that. I am lucky that Mr. D is a friend like this.
I believe that the main reason for not being able to find a friend is because of my Wiccan beliefs. I live in a very conservative area, and most of the women I know are very religious. I know that if they were to find out my beliefs that I would get 'that talk.' You know, the one where they judge me, tell me I'm worshiping Satan, etc. I don't need to be judged like that. I don't need to be told that they will pray for my salvation. I don't mind talking about what it is I believe in if people are willing to listen, but those kinds of conversations are always one-sided. It seems that as soon as someone hears you're Pagan they shut off their ears.
On a lighter note, Easter is this weekend and so far our only plans for Sunday are to take the kids to my parents for a quick Easter egg hunt. No family dinners planned (that we know of) for either the in-laws or my family. YES! That means we can just relax and watch the kids come down off their sugar highs! I have to admit to something I find funny. I'm putting lots of dinosaur toys in Buddy's Easter basket. I just think it's a little bit ironic. I am wondering when we are going to find the time to dye all the eggs I bought. I am also wondering how we are going to eat them all! I only bought 4 1/2 dozen eggs..........
1 comment:
I'm sorry you feel alone. I remember that feeling far too well and I think it does have a lot to do with living somewhere without a lot of like-minded people.
The trick is to embrace those of us who are far away geographically but close in other ways. And write as much as you can. Eventually the panic fades and you find yourself expressing yourself more and more freely.
To quote Kimya Dawson: "... because your thoughts and words are powerful." xo
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