Road blocks

For some reason I have this weird writer's block. For hours, while I do things like run errands or clean the house, I can think of hundreds of things I want to write about. But as soon as I sit down at the computer I draw a complete blank. I think that it may have something to do with how hard sharing my feelings is. This is one of the reasons I can't even keep a journal going for more than a couple of days. I once had a journal publicly exposed by an ex-boyfriend, and ever since that day the mere thought of having written proof of my life can send me into a panic attack.


I think another reason for my writer's block comes from having to admit that I have feelings I don't like. Today I have been feeling very alone. Not lonely; alone. I don't really have a close girl friend anymore, someone who I feel like I can call at any time and for any reason. And now that I think about it, I haven't had a friend like that in decades. Sure, I have lots of girl friends, but there is no one person that I know I could talk about anything with without hesitation. Jim Morrison said "Friends can help each other. A true friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself - and especially to feel. Or, not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he really is." I hope that one day I can find a girl friend like that. I am lucky that Mr. D is a friend like this.


I believe that the main reason for not being able to find a friend is because of my Wiccan beliefs. I live in a very conservative area, and most of the women I know are very religious. I know that if they were to find out my beliefs that I would get 'that talk.' You know, the one where they judge me, tell me I'm worshiping Satan, etc. I don't need to be judged like that. I don't need to be told that they will pray for my salvation.  I don't mind talking about what it is I believe in if people are willing to listen, but those kinds of conversations are always one-sided. It seems that as soon as someone hears you're Pagan they shut off their ears.


On a lighter note, Easter is this weekend and so far our only plans for Sunday are to take the kids to my parents for a quick Easter egg hunt. No family dinners planned (that we know of) for either the in-laws or my family. YES! That means we can just relax and watch the kids come down off their sugar highs! I have to admit to something I find funny. I'm putting lots of dinosaur toys in Buddy's Easter basket. I just think it's a little bit ironic. I am wondering when we are going to find the time to dye all the eggs I bought. I am also wondering how we are going to eat them all! I only bought 4 1/2 dozen eggs..........

A child's heart

Children are amazing. When given the right environment, their hunger for learning and their joy just blossoms! 

I am still in the process of learning about Wicca. One of my favorite things to research right now is the Sabbats. Yesterday was Imbolc. I want to share these holidays with my children, so I planned a few activities for them. We made Brigid's Crosses out of pipe cleaners, and even my son, who has a very narrow attention span, really enjoyed making these. After dinner we made custard apples. Well, kind of. The recipe I had said to make instant custard, but I couldn't find any, so we made vanilla pudding instead. Buddy didn't want to try this (picky eater), but I convinced him to try the pudding. He didn't want to admit that he liked it, but he did have a bowl after all. When it was almost bedtime we lit a lot of candles in front of the fireplace. We carried a candle to each room to welcome spring, and then we sat in front of the candles and snuggled for a while. Via and Buddy were so eager to learn more about Imbolc, so I shared some of the basics with them. They kept asking what the next activity was, and were a little sad when I said that was it. But they are excited for the next Sabbat!

Mr. D and I agree that we want the children to find their own spiritual path. I in no way plan to force my beliefs on them. I think that giving kids such a narrow view on spirituality is damaging. They need to find what makes them happy, and I don't want them to feel guilt over what they choose - or don't choose - to believe. Maybe then they will find their happiness a lot sooner and a lot easier than I did. I don't care which religious path they choose, so long as they treat others with dignity and are happy. But I am going to teach them as much as I can about what I and Mr. D have been through. If they want to learn about the Sabbats then I will teach them what I can. If they want to learn Eastern philosophies, I will help them. And I will never be condescending about anything they want to learn.

Living in a box

Today is Imbolg, the sabbat of Brigit. I am new to Wicca, so I have spent part of the morning reading about Brigit and how to celebrate the promise of spring's return. And how do I do this while living in a box?
What do I mean, living in a box? That is how I feel about what I am going through. Out of fear of major drama from my family, I live my spiritual life inside my 'box.' This is where I keep my beliefs, my hopes, and my dreams. I keep them hidden away from all but a few people, those whom I know I can trust. And the only reason I am doing that is for the sake of my children.
I know that if I leave my box it will mean conflict and hurt for them. The religious and closed-minded members of my family - and Mr. D's, for that matter - will not understand my reasons for turning my back on the religion of their choosing. I would be cast out, a fact that doesn't really bother me that much. My kids will not understand any of that, though, and I will not put them through it.
I think maybe if it was any other religion, they probably wouldn't react so harshly. I could also be over-reacting. Maybe they would just pretend that I'm not a witch, the way that they pretend my gay cousin's boyfriend is just his roommate. Maybe they would pretend I don't exist, they way my Grandfather treated me when he found out I was pregnant and unmarried.
I know my Mother would be devastated. Maybe that's why I want to keep quiet. After all, an it harm none, do as you will. By opening my box I know it will harm people. So I have this conundrum. If I open this box I will hurt others. If I keep this box closed, I hurt myself. What do I do?
I keep it closed, at least for now. When the time is right I will step out of my box. But until then, I will teach my children how to make Brigit's Crosses, treat nature and others with respect, and a little bit of magick.
Blessed Be.

Explain yourself!

You might be wondering what makes me not so traditional. Sure, I am a stay at home mom, wife, Girl Scout leader, volunteer...all the typical stuff that makes one 'traditional.' But I have a secret, one that only a couple of people know. You see, I am in the closet. The broom closet to be precise. I have been interested in things non-Christian for as long as I can remember, much to the concern of my mother. Spirits and faeries, the use of herbs, believing that all people deserve to be treated with dignity and equality, belief that it's the Earth who provides, all of these things (and more) make me different from my family.
I was raised Christian. I attended church not necessarily regularly, but I did attend. And I never felt quite right about it. Something just never made sense about the whole thing. I could see the people around me, and they always seemed, I don't know, a bit crazy and out of control. I seldom saw self-responsibility for the things they experienced. It was always "God's plan" or "God's will," not "I made a mistake" or "I worked really hard." Yet they seemed blissfully happy. At least, they appeared that way at Church. It made me very self aware and I felt like maybe there was something wrong with me. I never heard God speak to me the way they did, or felt the Holy Spirit around me. As an adult I thought it was my fault I didn't feel these things, that I wasn't trying hard enough.
So, I threw myself into Christianity. I joined 2 bible studies, joined the choir, and volunteered with the youth group. I went to church twice on Wednesday night and twice on Sunday. I was at some sort of church function nearly every day of the week. And the harder I tried, the more I disliked what was being spoon-fed to me. I didn't like being told what to believe and what not to believe. I didn't agree that a church can make up it's own list of sins, most of which were nothing that should be considered damning.
I had two things happen to me at church that finally opened my eyes, and both of these things happened at the same time. The first thing that happened was our church, being Pentecostal, decided that everyone in the congregation would give up tv for Lent. Well, I didn't watch much tv anyway, and I was living at home so I couldn't dictate what my Dad did (more on that some other time), so instead I did something I felt was much much MUCH more sacrificial; I gave up caffeine. No Coke, no coffee, no black tea and NO CHOCOLATE. I'm a huge caffeine and chocolate addict, so this was a really hard thing for me to do. One night at one of the bible studies we were talking about the whole no tv for Lent thing, and I mentioned that instead of giving up tv I gave up caffeine instead. You would have thought that I admitted to being a lesbian abortion doctor who ate puppies for breakfast! I couldn't believe the way I was treated! Somehow my own personal sacrifice for Lent was worthless because it was not what the pastor had told us to do. I couldn't remember a time where I was made to feel more humiliated.
During this time I was dating a boy from that church. He was several years older than me (I was in my early 20's), and we both still lived with our parents. He got angry if I went out with my friends even if he didn't want to make plans with me. He tried to dictate what activities I could do, tried to limit my friends to church members...you get the idea. The combination of this relationship and my deepening depression over my spirituality led me to anti-depressants, and when he found out....well, I broke up with him. And he promptly did everything he could do within the church to humiliate me. After an especially horrible session of his belittling at bible study, I never went back. To any church. Ever.
This all happened nearly 15 years ago. I completely gave up on spirituality. Occasionally I would start reading on different religions, but that was as far as it would go, I was too afraid. At least until I started to discover that I had Pagan friends, and theyr lifestyle fascinated me! I love the fact that there isn't a book telling you what you can do and what you can't. I love the connection to nature. I love the freedom of expression. I love the simpleness and the happiness. I love finding the blessings in the mundane.
So, recently, I have started reading more and more into Wicca. I was surprised at how much I already knew and how much more at peace I am with myself. And right here in my mostly-anonymous blog, I would like to say that yes I, Mira, am Wiccan. And this is part of what makes me not so traditional.

Wow!

I'm not quite sure what to think! For the most part, Thanksgiving was without a hitch, which is really something since we had 2 family dinners that day. Black Friday was a shopping success, I came away with some great deals and most of my shopping for the kids done. Saturday we went to a train show and saw Santa, and Buddy lost his first baby tooth. It was very nice to have a quiet and mostly uneventful weekend!
I have been invited for a visit by a friend in Portland, which (hopefully) after the holidays I will be able to accept. I haven't had a kid-free weekend in who-knows-how-long, so I am really looking forward to it. It will be a vision quest of sorts, a trip to study my spirituality and renew my spirit. It's good to have a friend I can count on, because my religious views are not exactly conventional. That's a topic for another time :)

Things I am thankful for

1. Friends and family who love me for who I am, not who they want me to be. You know who you are.
2. My children, even when they are driving me crazy.
3. My dogs, who really do love me unconditionally.
4. The parents of the girls in my troop who have been so supportive of my efforts.
5. The girls in my troop, they sure know how to make me laugh!
6. Not meaning to sound conceited, I am thankful for the talents that I have been blessed with.
7. The internet, without which I would probably go crazy with boredom.
8. The sun, the moon, and the stars.
9. My sense of humor, without which I would probably be serving time for homicide.
10. Most importantly, my wonderful husband, who even on the worst of days lends me his strength and still thinks I'm beautiful.

Why do I bother?

As you know, I am a Girl Scout leader. I have been one for more than 4 years. I love volunteering, but lately I've been asking myself why I bother. Between constantly changing policies, gossiping adults, and impossible parents, I have just about had enough. I try to teach my girls to have the benefit of the doubt and to treat all people with dignity, but these lessons fall sorely short on some of their parents. Don't get me wrong, the majority of the parents in my troop treat me really well and, in fact, some of them downright spoil me. I try to remember that, but more and more lately the negativity of one parent has worn at me, no matter how hard I try to be with the situation. It has finally come to a head and the parent has informed me that she's tired of MY immaturity and is going to place her daughter in a different troop. I say good riddance, but at the same time I feel like a failure. I failed because of an email I accidentally sent to the wrong person. I did what I don't ever like to do, harm another person. I know I'll pay for it in Karma. Perhaps my lesson in all this is to take a lot more slow breaths before I do anything, and to especially check WHO I'm sending email to.